Relevance deprivation

100 days is a long time to be alone after the joy of children has entered one's life. I cannot explain some of my feelings but others are easier.

Initially, my anxieties were around male selfishiness - how will I feed myself, oh my god I have to iron my own shirts... After those initial feelings of uselessness passed, the over-riding feelings have been mainly on a sense of void.

I'm so used to coming home to life being turned upside down, without a moment to rest or relax, that this surplus, this excess, is proving dispiriting. Naina would throw her clothes out of her cupboard, find DVDs she wanted to watch, rummage through kitchen drawers, sprawl her toys everywhere in the lounge room. I couldn't leave anything of value anywhere. My keys would disappear if I left them on a too low bench. That sense of everything will be exactly where I dumped it/left it/ threw it is disconcerting now, where as a single man it used to feel refreshing. "Don't touch my stuff" has long since passed and he's not welcome in my life anymore.

The other feeling easily explained is purposelessness. Time is now available to sit in front of a TV. Problem is there's nothing worth watching except the intro to In the Night Garden (which brings a tear to the eye) and the Office (US). Work hours are extending cause there's nothing worth rushing home to. Shopping is a chore instead of a stress.

I'd argue that I'm technically in relevance deprivation syndrome. No one to read to, no one to take swimming and no one to chase up the stairs.

With the news that my mum's brothers two boys are both planning their marriages in the third week of May, I'll be deprived of relevance until that time.